This is the last in our four-part series on the changing role of women in the home.

Throughout the series, we have shown statistics on the number of women working outside the home today as compared with those in the ‘50s and ‘60s; have talked about the answers obtained on my survey of 20 questions asked of women of various ages and backgrounds; and from time to time, have used quotes from experts and studies on the subject.

Today, we will deal with one of the most controversial aspects of the survey and perhaps the area where women have made the most progress: women going places on their own and being more independent these days. We will then summarize the results of the survey.

As many of us know, in the ‘50s and ‘60s women mostly went places with their husbands and families. A good many wives still did not drive automobiles. Also, women in places that are considered the norm today was often considered socially unacceptable back then.

Doris Strom, whose family has run the Edgefield Billiard Parlor for 50 years, related that in the 1950s and early 1960s, women did not patronize the pool room.

“It wasn’t that they weren’t allowed—it just wasn’t the thing to do,” she said. “Women would call and place their orders and drive up outside and someone would take it to them.”

When asked if married women came in with their husbands, she said, “No, they would call sometimes to see if their husbands were here, and sometimes, the men would be hiding in the bathroom and everything else, but local women didn’t come inside. The Northern women would stop off, if traveling, and they called it a ‘pub.’ But Southern women didn’t come in—they were considered ‘down the drain’ if they did.”

Likewise, women who attended dances without their husbands or an escort, were considered “cheap,” said one source who wished not to be identified.

“Married women went to dances at the Legion Hut and other places with their husbands, and often several couples would go together,” said the source. “But married women did not go out by themselves. In fact, they were seldom seen in public without their husbands unless it was for a very good reason.”

Thanks to the Women’s Liberation Movement in the 1970s and many other women’s rights efforts, women are now as accepted in most social situations as men.

What effects has this had on marriages, if any, and how slow have men been to come to terms with this? Also, have women’s attitudes and expectations of themselves changed any?

Of the 100 married women surveyed, 80 percent of the respondents said they and their husbands do go out together (dining, dancing, parties, movies, etc.) and many said that in the busy world that husbands and wives live in today, they sometimes have to schedule a “date night” in order to spend time with each other. But, nevertheless, they do spend time together. Some said it is not as often as they would like or that they go out “rarely” or “sometimes.” As with the other categories, there was the opposite end of the spectrum where some wives said they and their husbands “do everything together.” One woman wrote, “I got married go be with my husband, so I am!” Another commented, “We’d love to go out once a week, but money is often tight. Date night can often be a drink by the pool after the kids are in for the night.”

Sixty-five percent of the women interviewed answered “Yes” to the question, “Do you ever go out without your husband (for instance, with girlfriends)?” Although, several specified, “Only to movies, shopping, whatever—no nightclubs.” Some said, “Occasionally” or “With family members” or “It depends on the situation.”

Forty-four percent said they take trips without their husbands, although some did say, “Only on business” or “to visit family.” One woman stated, “Of course. I just got back from the beach with girlfriends.”

Seventy-percent said they think it is okay for a wife to go out with her husband occasionally. Even several who do not do so personally, said it is okay for some women but not for them. One woman said, “I don’t see anything wrong with it. I just don’t. My husband is extremely jealous, so I honor his wishes and I don’t go.”

Others made such comments as, “I don’t really want to go anywhere without him,” “If the couple is in agreement about it,” “Only if it is okay for the husbands to go out without their wives sometimes,” and ‘It’s something I really don’t think about.”

One woman stated, “The husband and wife must have a good understanding. It really depends on the couple.”

Thirty-four percent of women interviewed said they would go to a nightclub without their husbands. “But that would depend on many factors,” said one woman. “Some clubs are more up-scale than others.” Others said they would only go with friends and family members or for special occasions such as birthday parties. Most said only if it was okay with their spouses and many said they would not make it a regular practice.

“My husband and I have complete trust,” said one woman. “Some people argue that a woman going out with girlfriends increases her chances of being unfaithful, but my husband knows I’m not going to run around on him no matter where I am.”

And that response came not only from younger women. One woman in her seventies said she goes out on a regular basis with friends and belongs to a number of organizations aside from her husband. She enjoys socializing and he doesn’t.

“My husband trusts me,” she said. “We’ve been married almost 50 years and we have a great marriage.”

But some had a completely opposite view.

“That’s what causes a lot of break-ups in marriages,” said one woman. “I’m not going to put myself in that position. We go together or we don’t go.”

Forty-four percent of the women said it is okay for a woman to dance with someone other than her husband, even if her husband may not be present. “It depends,” said most. “If she knows it would be okay with her husband,” said some. Many said, “Only with family and friends—not with strangers,” “On special occasions, such as weddings,” and “Not slow or romantic dancing.”

One woman said, “Many people just like to dance. I see nothing wrong with it if a woman conducts herself like a lady.”

Is it okay for a woman to go to family events without her husband—which, by the way, many women would not do 50 years ago?

Eighty-four percent said, “Yes.” Some added, “If her husband doesn’t care.” One woman wrote, “I do. Every holiday.”

What about separate interests and hobbies? Ninety-one percent said, “Yes, by all means.”

Comments included, “You need a break from each other now and then,” “Yes, or we’d kill each other,” “Everyone needs a little space,” “Absence makes the heart grow fonder and “As long as they don’t become obsessed with the hobby.

One woman topped it with, “A man needs to hunt and fish. A woman needs to shop.”

In all fairness, some people suggested I get a few men’s opinions on the subjects of my survey. I must say I was hard-pressed to find one who was willing to make a negative comment.

One 40-year-old man from the Merriwether section of Edgefield County said, “If both partners work, then they should take on equal responsibilities at home. One thing I won’t do is grocery shopping, but I cook breakfast every morning for my family. I help clean house and whatever else needs doing. I was raised to take care of things. I realize I’ll never do as much as my wife does, but I help. She does about 75 percent of the child care, except during football season when I spend a lot of time with my 9-year-old son.”

The couple is taking care of his elderly father and her elderly mother, so that doesn’t leave a lot of leisure time for either partner, he said.

“But we work together as a team,” he said. “You’ve got to in today’s world. Those who believe differently should wake up and smell the coffee.”

Another man from Ward said he and his wife make decisions together, and he believes a man should help in the house regardless of whether his wife works in the home or outside the home. “We divide chores,” he said. “A marriage is like a business partnership—it should be run by both.”

As far as women going out, he said it is okay for a wife to take trips and go places if there is mutual trust.

The Rev. Lawrence Carrigan, chaplain for the 122nd Engineer Battalion and assistant professor of military science at Newberry College, said he thought it would have been nice if I had polled 100 men. He also mentioned that little was said about the role children play in taking care of the home. In his family, the older children share in the chores, such as feeding the animals, doing laundry and taking out the trash. And certainly this is good.

“My wife does more of the housework than I do, so ours is more a traditional marriage,” he said. “My work keeps me away from home a lot. She does most of the cooking and we go out to eat once or twice a week. I grill out occasionally. She works part-time during the school year.”

He said he believes a child should be reared by both parents, and that he and his wife tend to do things more as a family.

“My wife is more a homebody, so unless it’s work, she doesn’t go many places alone,” he said.
Does he see a contradiction to today’s woman and the way the Bible says a wife should be? Not really.

“I don’t see any reason women can’t work outside the home,” he said. “It’s how a husband and wife relate in a marriage.”

He referred to Proverbs 31 where the ideal woman is described.

“The wife described here works a home and also buys land and plants a vineyard, and sells her goods in the marketplace,” he said.

Has my friend who was mentioned in the beginning of the series change his opinion any? Maybe, a little.

“In this day and time, unless the man is making a lot of money, in order to have the things they want and need, a wife has to work also,” he said. “And that means the husband has to help out at home. I think many men would like it the old-time way, but things change because of life changes. The statistics make you stop and think.”

In summarizing the series, the consensus seems to be that the husband and wife should be able to communicate and decide what kind of relationship they want to have. What would work for some will not work for others. My view on a relationship is that there should be boundaries, respect and trust. I don’t believe a marriage should require one to give up their identity. Over the past decades, women and men have made great strides in accepting and adjusting to new definitions of gender roles. According to the article on faqs.org, gender roles are formed in childhood and are imposed through a variety of social influences. Boys are perceived to be big and strong, and girls are perceived to be more fragile. Girls are taught to play with dolls and tea sets, and boys are given trucks and “action figures” as gifts. Girls who are rough and tumble are often called “tomboys,” and boys who are more passive are labeled “sissies.” All of these factors influence how men and women view roles in marriage. The shifting of gender roles in the past 30 years has happened so quickly that men and women are still trying to sort out what the new roles and rules mean to them. Although women are no longer expected to be primarily the keepers of the house, in reality, they are in many families. And this is not sitting well with many women. Although men are generally open to the successes enjoyed by the women in their lives, some still find it hard to celebrate a woman’s triumphs because they feel it diminishes their own.

One woman in my survey wrote, “My husband wishes I were more a true ‘housewife.’ Do these still exist in today’s couples? I am an older mother of young children and I feel a desire to develop personally before I am too ‘up-in-years.’ I believe this is healthy for a relationship, but sense that it threatens some men.”

However, rather than blaming each other for the situation, I believe men and women are increasingly willing to work together (as evidenced by the comments from the men I interviewed).

Successful marriage partners learn to negotiate and share tasks.

Says the article on gender roles, “It will take time to sort out all the implications of the changing gender roles of Americans, but new expectations should result in better workplaces, better relationships, better schools and better lives.”